Archive for December, 2005

The initial greeting by the counselor should be simple, natural and spontaneous, neither effusive on the one hand nor indifferent and detached on the other. The counselor then sets out to encourage the client to tell his story in his own words and his own way by showing an attitude of “creative listening,” a readiness to listen with active keen interest and attention but not of over-curiosity.

Clients vary greatly in the amount of encouragement they may need. Some plunge without any hesitation into a veritable torrent of words and feelings which may go on without pause for most of the interview, and to which the counselor can only listen with as much concentration as possible. In some of these cases the narrative is direct and coherent, and the counselor quickly gains an accurate perception of many aspects of the complex problem. In others it is more or less disconnected and even incoherent, and the counselor has the difficult task of gaining a reasonable idea of the conflicting and distressing feelings which have so taken control of the client as to bring considerable confusion about the whole affair.

Other clients may need more direct encouragement to unburden their feelings and experiences. They may be reserved and diffident, suspicious or indifferent, helpless and despairing, antagonistic or hostile, rigid or prejudiced. Any initial encouragement should not be of such a kind as to give the client any feeling of being pushed, and for this the counselor needs to be able to accept any of these initial attitudes in the client without becoming anxious himself. This acceptance of the client’s feelings, whatever they may be, and however they may be expressed, may be communicated to him either by a quiet nod of the head, an encouraging “mmhmm,” or by a simple “accepting” type of comment, generally in questioning form.

For example if an extremely nervous diffident client begins with a prolonged silence, the counselor will probably sit quietly and patiently for a time, and then he might make some quiet accepting and understanding comment, such as, “You’re finding it a bit difficult?” with the implied question, “is that it?” expressed by the inflection of his voice rather than by words. If there is still a long silence it may be right for the counselor to go on accepting this too. Some people find it very difficult and embarrassing to talk about such painful matters, and to find the right words to make themselves understood, and the counselor’s acceptance will help to put them at their ease. If the silence goes on to the point at which it may be embarrassing the client further, some such comment as the following may be of help:-”I’m sorry, but I’m not sure what you’re feeling about this. Is it that you don’t know quite where to begin, or that things are in such a muddle that you can’t think for the moment?” This kind of comment, made slowly and quietly, may enable the client to communicate these “paralyzing” feelings.

As the client becomes launched on the story the counselor may help best by refraining from interruption until there is a favorable opportunity for a comment, such as may be provided by a reasonable pause in the narrative. In general his most important function at this stage is to encourage the client to keep talking and to tell his story in his own way and his own time within the limits of the counseling session. In this way he may gain some idea of what the client regards as important, and avoid the risk of missing some important “leads,” or of imposing his own ideas and attitudes on the counseling relationship. As the client talks the counselor is given many facts. Many feelings and attitudes are also communicated to him, by the client’s appearance and behavior as well as by his words and the intonations and cadences of his speech. The counselor sets out at this stage to catch as many as possible of the “undertones” of feeling as he allows the client to reveal himself progressively in an atmosphere of growing confidence.

This confidence will be most quickly established when the counselor can listen patiently and give the client a really good attentive hearing. When there is a pause in the narrative the counselor can help by making a simple brief “questioning” comment which responds to the feelings that have been expressed or implied rather than the facts which have been communicated. This is possibly the most important principle of this initial stage of the interview, and it also applies throughout all interviews. It encourages the client to progressive unburdening of feelings rather than of a long and involved series of facts. And it is essential to any understanding of the rationale of counseling to realize that this unburdening of feelings is a necessary condition for the client’s later achievement of insight.

Such response to the expressed feelings rather than the facts of the narrative will help the client to gain some idea of what his part in the counseling is. Many clients are very uncertain of what happens in a situation such as this, and are feeling their way and trying to gain some light to relieve their confusion. If the counselor responded to the facts of the client’s story the client would naturally conclude that the counselor was interested in and wanted all the facts that were available. He would then in most cases continue the story by giving a long and involved succession of facts, some of which might well be quite irrelevant, because the client in his confusion may not be able to arrange the large amount of material in any kind of coherent manner. As fact follows fact the counselor may well find his brain beginning to reel with confusion in the desperate attempt to take it all in and to arrange the complicated story in some kind of order. He will then find it very difficult to establish rapport with the client, because rapport is mainly an emotional relationship.

There are some other contributions which the counselor can make to the establishment and maintenance of rapport. The realization that everything the client says is kept in strictest confidence and not disclosed to anyone without permission is of great value to him as he comes to face things about which he does not feel at all happy. Also the fact that he does not have to face the counselor except by his own initiative and desire. This may not always be the case, for example when a minister acts as counselor to one or two of his own parishioners with whom he may have continuing pastoral relationship. This is dealt with more fully in the section relative to the minister’s assets and his hindrances as a marriage counselor.

There are many factors which affect the quality of the rapport which are to be found in the client, and these deserve some consideration. In the first place the degree of motivation for coming will have a very profound effect. The client who only comes to please someone else and not from a genuine desire for constructive help will obviously need more delicate and sensitive handling for the establishment of rapport than will the client who is anxious for help and confident of the value of counseling as a channel of help. In some cases the second partner comes with considerable doubt and very much “on guard,” wondering how much has been reported about him, and what the counselor may be thinking about him. It is interesting to watch the progressive relaxation of such people as they come to feel the counselor’s non-critical acceptance.

An occasional handicap to the establishment of rapport is in the fact that the client has been referred by someone with whom he has built up a good relationship. Every attitude the counselor may show at the beginning may then be compared with those of the previous counselor, and it may need some patience and tact for the new rapport to build on the previous one. The necessary repetition of some of the more painful or irritating parts of the narrative already given to the previous counselor may be distasteful to the client, and this feeling needs to be realized and accepted by the new counselor-or consultant-even though it delays the counseling process to some extent.

When clients are actually directed to attend the counselor, for example by the courts, there may be still more difficulties in the establishment of rapport. If the counselor is not an officer of the court, or an “official” of any kind, but a private individual working under an oath of secrecy which applies even to the courts, the situation is more workable. Such clients may have failed to come on their own initiative simply from lack of awareness of the availability of this kind of counseling or through passivity, or procrastination, or they may have been indifferent, skeptical, or even actively hostile to counseling. They may have been determined to separate, even though the judge feels that there is some hope of possible reconciliation.

When clients come by direction in this way the helping attempt is called conciliation to distinguish it from counseling, which involves willing clients who come on their own initiative. In such directed cases the counselor has first to attempt to win sufficient confidence for them to become willing to make any effort to cooperate at all in the interviews. One of the first steps in this is to encourage the clients to express fully their feelings about being sent for conciliation in this way. The counselor’s warm acceptance of such negative feelings, and the clients’ growing realization that there will be no pressure put on them to stay together will do much to break down any hostility or to overcome any indifference or skepticism which they may have had. When this has come about the conciliation leads into normal counseling.

When these adverse feelings have been overcome the clients will have developed good rapport with the counselor, and it seems obvious that he is by far the most appropriate person with whom they should have the opportunity to go on in the counseling. To set apart some people as “conciliators” with the idea of transferring clients who come to accept further help to “counselors” would ignore or do violence to one of the most essential principles of counseling, the delicate relationship known as rapport. Those who are given the responsibility of conciliation should be the most experienced and highly trained and sensitive counselors obtainable, and they should be able to give all the time necessary for continued counseling where that is accepted by the clients.

Rapport, then, provides the essential framework in which all aspects of the counseling process can go on. It enables the clients to become progressively less inhibited and defensive, and to allow deeply “bottled up” feelings to come to the surface and be dealt with. It also allows the counselor to suggest many things for their consideration which might otherwise have been quite unacceptable to them. As we have seen it is not something fixed or constant, but something which has to be maintained as well as established, and if possible progressively deepened. Rapport always tends to fluctuate at the beginning, and at some points in the counseling process when the counselor may feel that there is not sufficient understanding by the clients as to what is being attempted, he may help greatly by pausing to define the aims and even the methods of the counseling.

In particular at the beginning of any subsequent interviews it may often be necessary for the counselor to set out to restore some of the rapport that is often lost during the period between the interviews for various reasons, such as the client’s feeling that he has said more than he intended, the negative influence of well-meaning and sometimes “all-knowing” relatives and friends, or the attitudes of the marital partner. The first few minutes of all subsequent interviews are often very important for the improvement or lessening of the rapport.

The initial interview with each partner is of vital importance for the success or failure of the whole process of counseling, because it has a large part in creating the “rapport” between each partner and the counselor so essential for effective counseling. Each client, as we have seen, comes with very mixed, and often intense feelings, not only from the emotional strains of the marital situation, but also from the strains of seeking help from a third party. Each client will therefore be very sensitive to any failure on the part of the counselor to accept him and his feelings. If the client is skeptical about the ability of counseling to help he may well use any lack of acceptance as an excuse for refusing to come again. Any setback in the development of rapport may disturb his sensitive feelings, and will possibly drive him back into his shell to such an extent as to block the counseling process.

I. RAPPORT
As the whole counseling process depends on the establishment and maintenance of rapport some attention to this aspect of the counselor-client relationship is essential. The term rapport is borrowed from the French phrase “en rapport,” which means “in harmony” or “in accord.” It implies for the client a deepening sense of “at homeness,” and a confidence in the counselor’s ability and readiness to accept him as he is, with any failings, and to give his full concentrated attention to him and his problems and difficulties. This of course is implied in the term “inter-view”-i.e., viewing between.

Some of the foundations of rapport are established by the reputation of the counseling agency or of the private counselor, and by the kind of recommendation which induces the client or clients to come for help. The friendly atmosphere and genuine desire to arrange the most helpful appointment possible which may be shown by the receptionist, the person who answers the telephone or any letters, and any other members of the staff will also help greatly, especially when a client is nervous and apprehensive.

The main factors in the development of rapport, however, are the personality and the attitude of the counselor, and his total handling of the fluctuating interaction which goes on throughout the whole series of interviews. The client may feel it first as a natural simple sincerity, a spontaneous “warmth,” and a genuine interest and desire to understand and to help. As the interview goes on the client will come to feel more and more clearly that he is accepted in a non-judgmental manner, so that any sense of humiliation at having to open up his life to another person is gradually replaced by a growing feeling that he can unburden even the worst things about himself without fear of being condemned or rejected. He will also come to realize that he can talk freely about sexual attitudes, and other subjects which are not so freely discussed in ordinary social conversation.

At the same time the client will begin to realize that some of his expectations about the counselor and about the interview will not be fulfilled. He may be disappointed because the counselor will not take his “side,” or share his “righteous indignation” about the attitudes and actions of his partner or his “in-laws.” This will sometimes disturb the rapport for a time, but the counselor is not setting out to establish “rapport at any price,” and cannot allow himself to be the judge. But his acceptance of even the client’s disappointment in him will gradually tend to overcome the client’s doubts and misgivings. It may actually provide the first real step towards more realistic thinking on the part of the client, which may be a necessary part of his growth from a kind of childish dependency that may have been an important factor in the marital conflict.

In some cases the client will react with intense hostility to the counselor’s failure to take his side, and such exaggerated feelings are generally an expression of deep repressed childhood attitudes to some important person in the client’s early life, generally a parent. This irrational attitude, and others of similar nature, are generally the re-enacting of such early attitudes, and are described under the term “transference.” They happen much more frequently in deeper psychotherapy than in the more superficial counseling, and when accepted and handled adequately they form an important part of the healing process. This subject of transference will be discussed more fully in a later part of this section.

Here is Molly Jones, sitting in the waiting room, awaiting the signal to go in and meet the counselor for the first time. What might she be thinking about as she sits, possibly with mixed feelings as she faces what may be to her a painful ordeal? There may be many memories intertwining with one another in her mind. The marriage itself, it seemed so right then, but how different now! “Was I too impulsive, carried away by the desire to be married, or proud of being wanted by an attractive man? Should I have seen through him then as I do now? Could I have realized how interfering his mother would be, and how much under her thumb he was?”

She may be going over the many disagreements and conflicts, the cruel remarks and misunderstandings, the physical cruelty alternating with indifference and neglect, the intolerable crudeness and disgusting nauseating alcoholic behavior, the slow death of her love in the face of repeated unwarranted hostility and the growth of distrust and hatred in its place. There may be memories too of some well-meaning attempts by relatives to find a solution to the conflicts, and the sequences of hope and despair as the old habits reasserted themselves so soon. The most hopeful of all were the courageous efforts she and Jack had made to let bygones be bygones and start again on a better footing, how they each felt that they understood the other better and that they loved each other in spite of having “got off on the wrong foot,” and how utterly despairing she felt when the same old “techniques” came up within a couple of weeks of their “reconciliation.”

She may be recalling her visit to her solicitor, and the awful difficulty of deciding whether to “take the plunge” and leave Jack-and what about the two children if she did? They’d miss their Daddy, and he would probably insist on regular access to them, and that would only make them unsettled and upset. Then there was the visit to her minister who had no realization that things were so bad, but Jack would have nothing to do with him. And then his suggestion to look for help from the marriage counselor and her inability to believe that the counselor could do anything in such a difficult situation, especially as Jack still said he wouldn’t have anything to do with any third party.

So here she is, with all her diffidence and anxiety about coming, with some worries about the possibility of disloyalty in telling a complete stranger about Jack, and about the possible repercussions that might come of it. Yet there is an aching desire for someone to be able to straighten out her bewilderment, and to stop her from thinking round and round in circles. Will the counselor understand, and what will he try to do about the hopeless looking situation? Can he get hold of Jack and do anything to make him see reason? How can she tell him so that she will not make a fool of herself by breaking down? What does he want to know? Will he take Jack’s part because men so often think alike and stand up for one another.

There may be many other and possibly quite different thoughts and feelings, such as the desire to get out of the intolerable marital situation at any cost, there may be deep attraction and desire for someone else whom she can’t get out of her thoughts, or she may have already left and got a job, and become adjusted to her “independence” and yet still have doubts about the welfare of the children. In almost every case, however, one can assume that there will be deeply hurt pride, righteous indignation at the behavior of Jack and probably his parents too, bewilderment, disillusionment and cynicism, anxiety and despair, feelings of failure and guilt, and often aversion and indifference or burning hatred. It is well for the counselor to allow for such feelings behind the apparent calmness of the person we have called Molly, as she comes with some curiosity into the counseling room, sits down, and collects her thoughts so that she can begin her story.

When a husband happens to come first, his memories and feelings may well be somewhat similar to those already mentioned, but in general it may be said that men are more reluctant and diffident about discussing their private marital affairs with any third party, except possibly a close personal friend. In many cases a husband will not make the initial approach unless he is rather desperate, or unless his wife has actually left him. He may feel confident even then that she will come back of her own accord before long when she has recovered from the emotional tension. But when the weeks go by and there is no sign of her return, or when she still assures him that she will not return, he may then become willing to sink his “pride” and come for help. He will often say then “I’ll do anything to get her back, I didn’t realize things were as bad as that, or that she felt as bad as that.”

When the husband and wife make the initial appointment and come together it suggests a mutual willingness to look for a way through their difficulties. Many couples who have the same mutual willingness will come separately because they know that this is how marriage counselors generally begin with any marital problem, and they feel better able to discuss their troubles at first without each other’s presence. In such “joint” appointments there may be less intense feeling between them, and a short interview with them together will disclose any evidence of intense emotional conflict. The counselor might then suggest that it might be found easier if one or other waited outside for a time. If they are ready to comply with this and are in any doubt about which one should have first interview, the counselor might suggest that the partner who seems to have most reserved feelings or to have least to say would be the appropriate one for the first interview. If one of them finds it more difficult to arrange suitable times for appointments, that one would generally be the right one with whom to begin.

In all of this preliminary discussion the counselor is beginning to establish an accepting permissive relationship with the partners, which will do much to help them to feel free to unburden their feelings without undue reserve or inhibition. If the counselor has used his own knowledge and experience to allow for the many and mixed feelings and memories behind those who come for help it will make him more sensitive to any cautious beginnings of unburdening that either of them may offer him. This will encourage them to go on with confidence.

If we are to gain further specific knowledge from the rapidly growing and developing work of marriage counseling it is essential that reliable and reasonably comprehensive records should be kept, and that they should be kept in such a manner that any use of them will be for general statistical purposes and with absolute safeguard of the confidential nature of all that is disclosed to any marriage counselor. This safeguarding is generally carried out by distinguishing all records by a number and keeping the corresponding names and addresses on a separate cross-indexed file under lock and key, as of course are the records themselves.

It is important for the value of the records and also for the counselor’s own orderly thinking and learning that he should keep at the back of his mind a fairly comprehensive picture of the main details which need to be recorded. In this way he is less likely to overlook some important aspect of the trouble which the partners may not volunteer to him in the course of the interviews, but which they will readily discuss if he asks a suitable “creative question” at the right time. Much of the necessary material will be discussed later in this book but a brief summary at this point of the main headings under which the records may be made will possibly help the counselor to build up a simple and easily remembered picture of what is valuable in the records.

The basic routine details of names, addresses, ages, religious affiliations, and other similar matters are for each counseling agency to decide upon in its standard record sheet, and these are often recorded at the time of registration by the receptionist, although there is no reason why the counselor should not record them if that seems more workable. But the counselor will help in future research if he sees that clear records are made of some specific matters at least, and these can be divided for convenience into seven groups of data:-Observation of the clients, Clients’ motives for coming, Present situation, Clients’ feelings about the difficulty, Previous history, Counselor’s assessments, and Final Outcome and Follow-up.

a. Observation of the clients. This is a useful beginning of each consecutive record, and it is most often neglected. It may include such characteristics as the following:-
Appearance:-strained, anxious, restless, “on guard,” indifferent, despairing, or hostile.
Dress:-neat or careless, restrained or flamboyant, etc.
Manner and behavior:-weeping, aggressive, withdrawn, clinging, or seductive, able to look counselor in the face, hand movements.
Speech:-voluble or reticent or silent, coherent or rambling, repetitive, restrained or hostile and aggressive.

The change in the records of the clients’ appearance with the progress of counseling may offer a very good indication of what is happening, one which may not be so obvious from the record of what the clients say. Such records also offer an extra dimension by which the client can be pictured in the mind of the counselor in reviewing his case history, and by anyone doing research in the counseling field.

b. The clients’ main motives for coming. Did they come willingly on their own initiative, or in the case of the second client in willing response to a letter of invitation by the counselor? Were they easily persuaded to come by a friend or relative, or referred by a minister, doctor, lawyer, or other person? Did they come rather hesitantly because of an appeal by someone to “give it just one more chance?” Or were they directed to come by a divorce court judge, and if so was it because they hadn’t realized the availability of counselors or in spite of their own indifference or rebellious hostility? These are important details which may easily be omitted from the counselor’s records unless he keeps them specifically in mind and develops good habits of recording. As a corollary to the actual expressed motives for coming the counselor may gain some idea from the statements of the clients of their expectations from the counseling. Did they believe that the counselor would listen to them and ask any questions and then give his judgment and advice? Did they think it would only need one interview? These expectations are better picked up in the actual discussion, especially when the counselor comes to the point of defining the counseling situation and its goals; rather than made the subject of actual questions, at least at the beginning.

c. The present situation, as seen by the clients, and in their own words. Are they living together at the present time, if not how and when did they separate? If together what degree of tension? Can they communicate? How did the
trouble develop and from when? Any events or experiences which seem to have helped to bring it about? How long mar
ried? What children-age, sex, temperament? Illnesses, living conditions, Jobs, Neighborhood, How do they relate in sex,
personally, socially, parentally? What seem to be the main points of discord or vulnerability?

d. The clients’ feelings about their difficulties and about themselves and each other. This is put in a separate heading to emphasize the need for recording of feelings as well as facts. Many records of less experienced counselors are almost entirely limited to the facts of the dispute and give no idea of how either client felt about them. With this account there may be information about each client’s feelings about the “in-laws,” about children, jobs, habits and all kinds of other matters which may stir up feelings. Behind these feelings the counselor will try to evaluate each partner’s “role perceptions” and “role expectations” in marriage and parenthood, and any consequent feelings of “role frustration.” Behind these again he may discern some patterns of habitual attitudes and emotional needs and uncritical assumptions, all of which will be dealt with later. They are essential elements in a good record.

e. Previous history of each partner, as seen, if possible by both separately. Such matters as family background, school and social life, introduction to sex, courtship, previous engagements or marriages and how terminated and with what feelings, and any other relevant matters. By hearing how each client views his partner’s family and other history as well as his own it is possible to gain a two-dimensional appreciation of the background “conditioning” of each of them, as we have seen in the case of John and Mary at the beginning of this book.

f. The counselor’s assessment at the end of each interview, and an evaluation of the apparent development of the clients’ insight and the matters which seem to be still in need of discussion, form a good progress report, and a help in the re-establishment of rapport in the next interview. Such records also give a valuable unfolding picture of the progress of the counselings, from which the counselor can learn much about his own counseling attitudes.

g. Final outcome, and (if possible) follow-up. This is mainly an assessment of the counselor’s general impressions after the apparently final interview, and it gives him and any supervisor a good opportunity to sum up his conduct of the whole case. Some agencies write to their clients at intervals to ask them how their marriage has worked out, and any such information which can be obtained is valuable. It is not certain whether such communications are favored by clients in all
cases, but with some such plan of follow-up inquiries adopted by any agency it is possible to prepare for it during the counseling by asking clients whether they would like such a regular communication. In most cases it would be welcomed when put that way, and in fact many happy clients write spontaneously to their counselor, sometimes at Christmas, telling of
their happiness and harmony and any other homely matters that occur to them. But such communications do not constitute a
reliable sample for research purposes because the unsatisfactory cases are not likely to write in this way.

Another use for such comprehensive records is in cases when after one or two interviews the clients fail to come again. It is of some value to know the reason for this as far as possible, and some ideas may well be gained from the record and from the counselor’s recollection of the kind and degree of rapport. In some cases the client or clients come to investigate the possibilities of getting emotional support or of getting the counselor to judge the situation or condemn the partner. When these and other unfulfillable aims are in clients’ minds they may be so disappointed that they will not return, and the counselor has not time to win their confidence in such a way as to be able to define the normal aims of counseling.

In other cases partners may have found enough insights from the first interview to feel able to work out their relationship for themselves, even though the counselor may not have felt that the situation had advanced to any extent. This has occasionally been communicated to the counselor on a subsequent occasion, and he finds that he has achieved more than he knew.

When any client terminates the counseling in this way without any explanation it is a good thing for the counselor to review his conduct of the interview or interviews, and to recall his own feelings as he faced the client. Many such terminations arise from a feeling of rejection of some kind in the client, which he is unable to express except by staying away. In some such cases he will go to another counselor, and these feelings may then be expressed to the new counselor.
Finally a comprehensive record is of the greatest value in the necessary supervision of the work of less experienced counselors as part of their “in-service” training, and for their accreditation when that is required. It is also of value for case conferences through which again the whole work of counseling is greatly developed and improved, to the benefit of all future clients.

The initial act which sets the whole process of marriage counseling in motion is usually the making of an appointment by one or both of the partners, or sometimes by someone in their behalf. This is usually done by telephone or by letter, or by direct personal visit to the agency, clinic, or professional rooms. It is generally agreed that in all cases of trouble or illness in which emotions are involved, the “helping” process begins with the first contact with the chosen source of help, and is assisted or hindered by the attitudes and actions of everyone who may be concerned in the work.

The person who answers the telephone, the door of the agency or consulting rooms, and any letters that are written, may have a vital influence on the whole course of the helping process. A natural, warm, friendly interest and an intuitive grasp of the feelings of people, with a genuine attempt to meet their needs as well as possible, will do much to start the work on the right foot.

The emotional “climate” of any agency or consulting rooms will depend partly on wise choice of staff, but possibly even more on the kind of relationship that exists between all who work together, from the director to the most junior helper. When the team work is of good quality, and the members have regular opportunities for keeping together, the nature of the work itself will help to promote good fellowship. It may be that such a simple occasion as a regular tea or coffee break to which every member of the staff is welcomed, will prove to be one of the best opportunities for such fellowship. There is need for some flexibility with regard to appointment times to allow the more urgent cases to be attended to without undue delay, but this of course depends on the relationship between the demands for help and the available staff. It is of great help to the receptionist or to whomever makes the appointments to have some available time for urgent cases, and thus avoid the difficulty of having to involve them in distressing and possibly dangerous delay.

At the first appearance of any client or clients at an agency or clinic it is likely that some details will be recorded, such as names and addresses, telephone numbers (with information as to whether it is desired that the number should not be called at any given times), and possibly some other facts such as date and place (church or registry office) of marriage, any previous marriages and how they were terminated, age and sex of children, religious persuasion of husband and wife, active or nominal, and whether changed after marriage, and occupations of husband and wife. The source of referral is also generally recorded at this time, and the present state of the marriage (if broken, who left and when?).

These basic details may be obtained either by questioning of the client by the receptionist; or if more suitable to the organization, by the counselor; or they may be recorded by the clients on a special form before they begin the actual counseling. In some marriage counseling agencies the clients fill in a very extensive formal questionnaire, and thus provide full data for research purposes, with very careful safeguards against breach of confidence through keeping names and addresses separate from any copies of data used for research.

The advantage of recording of data by the receptionist or by the clients before counseling is that the counselor will not have to risk leading the client to believe that he is looking mainly for factual data when he really is most concerned about the feelings of the client, and about what the facts or the experiences mean to the client. It also helps to make sure that these data will be recorded. On the other hand, when the counselor records these basic data his doing so will sometimes give the client a good opportunity to collect his or her thoughts, and “feel” his way into the counseling situation while giving these routine facts. The counselor can easily make it clear then that he is interested in how the client feels by his responses to any feelings that are expressed in the narrative.

The whole question of recording of interviews by the counselor is of some importance. From the client’s point of view it is probably best if, after taking down the essential preliminary data, the counselor can put down his pen and give his full and undivided attention to the client; but in some cases this may have the drawback that the counselor will have to depend on his memory for the main details. When one counselor is dealing with a fairly large number of clients, this will obviously be very difficult. It may be possible for the counselor to write down a fairly full account of the interview immediately after it has been terminated, and with practice this may give a better record than anything written down during the interview. For any counselor it is most valuable to have a record of the main details of each interview, because he is then able to refresh his memory just before each subsequent interview and begin it with some awareness of the client’s previous feelings and experiences. This makes for much better rapport, and much greater efficiency.

Another alternative is for the client or the counselor to record a fuller range of data, including possibly some of the complaints and experiences of each client during the interviews, and then for the counselor to make his own record of the appropriate details at the end of the sessions after the client has departed. In some training centers in different parts of the world tape recordings of interviews are made, with the permission of the client and with safeguards against breach of confidence. This is of great value for the training of new counselors, with no disclosure of names, and also for the continuing training of established counselors. Such recordings can be the only means of checking the actual quality of the work of any counselor, and may well help a counselor to check his own attitudes and methods. So far it has not been used in marriage counseling centers in Australia, but it seems essential that some such, method of improving and safeguarding the standards of this work will need to be considered and organized.

In some American training schools selected interviews are carried out in rooms equipped with special windows which allow observation in one direction only, so that trainees can see and hear (through headphones) the whole interview, without knowing the name of the client. This is another excellent manner by which people can be trained for the very skilled work of marriage counseling, and by which the whole quality of the work can be improved.

IT SEEMS INEVITABLE-when marriage counseling may be performed by such a variety of people, informally as well as formally-that it will be carried on in various kinds of locations, but some principles that seem worthy of emphasis bear on the “geographical” aspect of the work.

When marriage counseling is carried on through a voluntary social or professional organization it is generally regarded as essential that all such work should be done at the official headquarters of the organization. Matters of crucial importance, such as the comprehensive team work and the necessary supervision together with the absolute necessity of keeping all case records and other documents strictly confidential and under lock and key, can only be safeguarded in this way. It is also an important part of the necessary counseling relationship that it should be left to clients to take the initiative in actually coming and seeking help rather than just allowing the help to come to them. There are many other valid reasons why marriage counseling at the homes of clients is inadvisable, except in very special cases when it may be absolutely unavoidable.

Many social and religious organizations offer a marriage counseling service as part of their contribution to the community welfare, and this again, for the same reasons, is generally carried on at the headquarters of the particular organization.
Private professional marriage counseling by psychiatrists, physicians, psychologists, social workers and others, is again generally carried on in the practitioner’s consulting rooms, whether it is accepted as an exclusive activity or is included in a more varied and wider professional range. The same principles and reasons apply to this as to the more organized marriage counseling.

Ministers of religion cannot escape frequent requests for help in marital disorders, and some ministers become very competent in marriage counseling. Here again, however plausible and urgent any requests may be for counseling of this kind in the parishioner’s home it seems much better in general for it to be done in the minister’s own study, which throws the initiative onto the client. In a disturbed marital relationship there is always some deep emotional involvement, and the fact that a minister, or any other kind of counselor, calls repeatedly at the home of a wife who is estranged in any way from her husband, may well bring about deep and serious misunderstandings not likely to be helpful to the particular case or to the professional standing of the counselor.

Lawyers would seem in most if not all cases to perform the function of attempted reconciliation of estranged partners in their professional chambers, and when any divorce court judge decides to see the partners with a view to reconciliation he would naturally do so in his own chambers.

Lastly it may be emphasized that the place to which clients go for marriage counseling should be as unobtrusive as well as reasonably accessible as possible. People do not wish it to be obvious that they are visiting a marriage guidance or counseling agency.

Among the many personal qualities that are generally sought in the initial selection of prospective marriage counselors are the following:

1. Honesty, integrity of character, trustworthiness and ability to hold communications in strict confidence.
2. An open mind and a liberal and tolerant outlook, free from restrictive prejudice and not prone to take sides in personal conflicts.
3. Emotional and personal balance and poise, with flexibility in attitude and practice; awareness of own limitations
as well as abilities and powers.
4. Clear insight and capacity for reasoned analysis; and ability to visualize the importance of deeper elements in personal and social problems.
5. Ability to discuss intimate and emotionally charged matters without embarrassment.
6. Acceptance of and loyalty to the aims of the Marriage Guidance or Counseling organization.
7. Deep and genuine warmth and “non-exploitative” interest in people, without personal involvement or “vested interest” in results of counseling. Readiness to go with partners even through break-up of their marriage if they decide to do so.
8. Capacity to be a good listener, easy to talk to when one is in trouble, and able to inspire and win the confidence
of all kinds of people of both sexes and different ages.
9. Genuine patience, not too impulsive with the offering of “solutions,” or eager to give answers or reassurances, and
yet able to offer constructive help as well as understanding.
10. Persistence with which to see a difficult case through.
11. Permissiveness and non-judgmental objectivity, without disguising personal standards and values or seeking to
impose them on others.
12. Reasonable freedom from unsolved personal and marital problems, and reasonable awareness of emotional needs.

It is clear that in any preliminary selection these qualities of personal character and relationship must be regarded more as guides than as absolute standards, or there would probably be very few candidates for training as counselors. Many of these qualities are found to be developed to a considerable extent in any good course of training, and they are further stimulated in the actual work of counseling. No matter how many of these qualities any counselor may have, he will always find room for further growth and development.

Beyond these personal qualities there are many “vocational” and “technical” abilities which are mainly achieved in the training courses and further developed throughout all active counseling work, through contact with people in need of help, experience of actual counseling, and through team work, professional supervision, consultations, and case discussions over the years of service.

The good counselor then will have a genuine readiness to look at each problem that comes to him through each partner’s eyes, not to judge or to give advice or superficial reassurance, but to go with each of them right down into the agonizing bewildering situation and into their background ideas, attitudes and emotional needs. Then he will patiently support them while they are relating these to the realities of their marital relationship and making the necessary modifications in application of their new insights and their liberated feelings.

We have discussed the different “kinds” of people who might be involved in marriage counseling, and mentioned some of the personal and professional qualities that are generally required for the work. It is the universal experience that the quality of the counselor’s own personality is the most influential factor in any form of genuine counseling, and it is therefore of some value to consider and to try to formulate the most desirable qualities of personality and the most helpful attitudes of the counselor in counseling.

We may remind ourselves at the beginning that interviewing and counseling are, or should be, reciprocal relationships between two people “for the benefit of one.” Counselor and client will each have their share of the universal endowment of conscious and repressed feelings; of prejudices, vulnerabilities, uncritical assumptions about life and about people, habitual attitudes and emotional needs. Any of these may be stirred up in the emotional interaction inseparable from counseling. Unless the counselor has some awareness of his own inner qualities and vulnerabilities and a reasonable control of them, his own emotional reactions may well intrude into the counseling relationship to such an extent and intensity as to ruin the counseling.

Many people are attracted to counseling for quite unworthy reasons, of which they are mostly unaware. In some cases they have a deep need to assert themselves, to control other people’s lives and destinies, and in this and other ways to satisfy a “will to power,” as Adler called it. Others may be anxious about prestige and status more than they realize, and not really open to the needs of others. Others again are over-curious, and seem to gain some kind of satisfaction in hearing about the intimate details of people’s private lives. Others again have deep suppressed hostilities which all too easily become projected onto a “helpless” client who unwittingly touches a vulnerable part of the counselor’s personality. Others again are seeking flattery and adulation, and tend to be over-ingratiating in the counseling, and some are openly seductive, with a deep need to induce clients to “fall” for them. It is obvious that any such qualities will do much more harm than good to the whole project of counseling, and may induce an inept counselor to reverse the whole aim of the counseling and use the client for the counselor’s benefit or satisfaction.

These and similar underlying distortions of personality are not generally realized by those in whom they exist, and who may well offer themselves for the work of counseling. Fortunately such qualities can often become obvious to a competent counselor or psychiatrist in an introductory interview or series of interviews, or to many other people when they have fairly close contact with the person in a discussion group or week-end conference in which they live together. Such methods are therefore generally adopted as part of a good “selection” procedure. A good description of the present selection procedure in Great Britain for prospective counseling trainees is given by J. H. Wallis in “Marriage Counseling,” by J. H. Wallis and H. S. Booker (Routledge and Kegan Paul, London, 1958) pages 45-56, and an account of their training is given in the same book, pages 57-73.

Social workers, and particularly psychiatric social workers, have a training and experience which can be of the greatest value in marriage counseling. Their awareness of the inner dynamics of personal attitude and behavior, their training in case work, and their experience with people in all kinds of “stress situations” constitute a basic foundation for marriage counseling which is probably as strong as that of any profession. When they build on to this foundation a specific study and training in matters concerning the marital relationship and its disorders they are probably better equipped in the all round competence for marriage counseling than any other profession.

But their main problems, as with other professions, are concerned with the allotment of time and energy, and with the professional orientation which is predominantly focussed on the social environmental aspects of distress, though not by any means excluding the relational aspects or even the intra-personal. As members of the staff of many social agencies and psychiatric clinics, social workers are doing some very effective service in marriage and family counseling, and they will tend to do more and more as the needs become more accepted in the public mind. They can offer quite distinctive assistance in the team work of any marriage counseling agency, and their expert knowledge of the social aspects of marital disorder is of great help in the training of marriage counselors as well as in the actual professional work of counseling.

Clinical psychologists also have many assets which are of great use in marriage counseling, particularly their experience in assessing personality characteristics by objective testing and their understanding of the inner dynamics of personal attitude and behavior. In countries where marriage counseling is predominantly carried on by university graduates there is always a large percentage of trained psychologists in the field, who have supplemented their professional training with some special training and experience in marriage counseling and related concerns. As members of a counseling team and as consultants where their special competence is needed they form an indispensable part of the whole undertaking.

Lawyers cannot escape contact with many marital disorders, and their attitude seems to vary from that of doing everything possible to open the dispute to counseling to that of simply giving advice and being willing to act for the person who may wish to seek the dissolution of a marriage. Their vocational aptitude and training give them many valuable assets for counseling; clear orderly minds, ability to think into situations and to sift the significant from the inapplicable, and the knowledge of the law as it affects the various questions that may arise. But the lawyer cannot generally afford the time necessary for any serious counseling, nor has he the training in the actual work of counseling. He is an adviser and clarifier rather than a therapist. He is an indispensable resource for consultation to save distressed people from actions which may increase rather than diminish their difficulties, and sometimes to make it clear to a misbehaving partner that if he persists in his actions he can be challenged in court.

Probation officers are also brought into contact with many marital disorders in their work, and are doing much quiet work in helping people to work through marital difficulties. Their training would appear at present to be generally insufficient for serious marriage counseling, but many of them develop a good practical competence in the course of their careers. They are responsible to the courts, and this may sometimes reduce their professional freedom in marriage counseling, and may possibly deter some couples from allowing them to know the inner elements of the marital trouble. But probation officers are valuable people to have available in many special cases, often cases of considerable difficulty.

Teachers also come into contact with marital disorders, mainly through such offenses by children as truancy, vandalism, and other behavior problems. Sometimes the beginning of the teacher’s acquaintance with a marital disorder is when a child who has been doing well in class suddenly begins to do badly and to slip downward toward the bottom of the class. Where school term reports are the rule the parents will often seek some explanation of the change, and the teacher may be able to help them to realize the connection between emotional strain and poor school work. While teachers are professionally oriented mainly in the direction of education rather than therapy, there is a welcome movement in educational circles toward the concern about the emotional aspects of learning and growth. The teacher with a strong vocational sense and an interest in the total personality and the family backgrounds of his pupils can be of great help in such matters as marriage counseling.

It is likely, however, that there will be an even greater development and use of teachers in the future in the work of education and preparation for marriage than there has ever been in the past. This important work needs to be carried out wherever young people are, in small towns and villages as well as large cities, and the leadership in the future would seem to be in the combined hands of the doctor, the minister and the teacher, the three most suitable professional people for the work who can be found in the smallest villages as well as the large cities.

This consideration of the special assets and problems of the various professional workers seems to point to the conclusion that marriage counseling must be mainly in the hands of suitable people who have undertaken special training for it and are able and willing to give the necessary time and concentration to it. But there is a first-class field of service for other people as we have seen, who can help people in marital trouble as part of their own professional service, and in many cases can be used as consultants in their own special fields. This consideration leads inevitably to the more detailed survey of the necessary personal qualities in the counselor as affecting the work of marriage counseling. This question will now be discussed.