Archive for May, 2006

The parental relationship in this part of the discussion means the particular part of the husband-wife relationship which is concerned with their mutual function as parents. Many areas of deep conflict may come up in counseling which involve this aspect of marriage. Those which will be dealt with may be considered in chronological order.

The first that may arise is premarital pregnancy, with some very deep emotional consequences in each partner. It may be that they decide to marry largely because of the heavy pressure of the respective families, especially that of the girl. In such cases there is great danger of resentment on either side, and such matters are all too often “thrown up” at one or other partner when hostilities arise from any cause. The memory of the premarital intercourse may generate or increase deep suspicions by either husband or wife of the fidelity of the other in later years. Such dangers are lessened when the two young people marry by free mutual consent with the full knowledge that there is another good alternative, the offering of the baby for adoption, even though it may be an agonizing decision for the mother.

In some cases, when a pregnant girl is persuaded or coerced to the participation in an illegal abortion, there are profound effects on her deepest emotions, some of which may not show themselves for many years. When such cases come to the counselor before marriage and he is faced with the decision of the girl to seek such an abortion, it is his duty to make sure at least that she realizes some of the less obvious consequences of what she is considering. It may also be necessary for the counselor to have some discussion with other participants in the whole matter, such as the father of the child and the parents of the two lovers. In this way it may be possible for the impulsive urges of fear and guilt-stricken people to be controlled, and for some rational and honest consideration of the whole situation to be encouraged.

The girl who either hands her baby over for adoption or has it removed by abortion will often be in great need of help, and in many cases the counselor can offer good cooperation to the girl’s doctor who may also be offering some help. In this way she may be able to unburden her feelings more fully and come to more radical adjustment, often with the further help of a wise minister. There will then be less danger of permanent wounds to her personality which might otherwise do damage to future marital relationships and future parenthood. Next, in point of time may come an unexpectedly early pregnancy and parenthood, possibly with quite serious consequences from the point of view of finance and housing. Some good help here may sometimes be given by a social worker, and it often happens that with good counseling ways can be found to help such young people through the difficult adjustment to the unexpected early responsibility of parenthood.

Too many children for the young couple’s resources of money, housing and energy may also bring some marital disorder, especially when there are difficulties in the way of effective family planning, either from ignorance or stupidity, or from conscientious objections. In the same way a succession of children coming too soon after one another may have some adverse effects on the partnership as well as on the wife’s health. Good counseling in such matters, with possible referral for special help, may bring better conditions and an improvement in the relationship.

Dependency, the fourth of the disruptive elements in the personal relationship of marriage, is also normally found to some extent in practically every marriage. Aristotle is credited with the observation that “the man who can do without his fellows is either a beast or a god!” We are inter-dependent rather than independent, and the question that matters in this aspect of marriage counseling is the degree of dependency and its effect on the marital relationship.

As with the other elements we have considered, dependency can show itself in many different ways. One partner may be an inveterate “leaner” on the other, and appear to have little or no capacity to stand on his or her own feet. This dependency may show itself as intense possessiveness or jealousy, or in persistent demands on the partner of the different kinds we have been considering.

When such expressions of dependency come into counseling it is for the counselor to try to discover as many of the background reasons for the dependency as possible, because the best growth will come when the causative factors can be understood and if possible dealt with. He will also need to make some tentative assessment of the possible resources for growth in the dependent person, and of the attitudes and resources of the partner through which the situation may be given time and opportunity for positive development. Some actual suggestions may be necessary for a dependent person, as long as they are not offered in such a way as to increase the dependency or to divert it onto the counselor. For example if a wife seems quite helpless in the management of the home and in such essential matters as cooking, the suggestion of a definite attempt to gain some training in these things would seem to be valid. The counselor will put such suggestions in the “creative questioning” form, such as “Do you think it would help if you could go and get some domestic training at one of the domestic science schools, or from some friend or relative?” In this way the initiative is left to some extent with the client, and necessity can still remain for him or her “the mother of invention”-and of growth.

The partner of the excessively dependent person may need some help in the acceptance of the amount of dependency that seems inevitable at any stage in the counseling progress, because any great impatience or hostility might well reduce the dependent person to despair, and make the whole project more difficult or even impossible. To live with a dependent person may require considerable judgment regarding how much can be left to him to do, even at the risk of domestic untidiness for a time, and considerable patience to give time and sufficient encouragement for development. But with reasonable care it is generally possible for two partners to develop to a remarkable extent in such cases, particularly if any accessible underlying factors, such as previous over-mothering, can be faced and worked through in the counseling.

Dictatorship is almost invariably found in marital conflict, and it is sometimes one of the most influential elements in the disorder. It is generally rationalized in some way, and it tends to stir up reactions in the “victim” which only make matters worse. Behind the dictatorial attitudes are often such intra-personal inadequacies as immaturity, perfectionism, deep insecurity and feelings of inferiority, and other kinds of neurotic and even psychotic personality. In other cases it may arise as a reaction to dictatorship in the partner, in the conviction that the only way to guard against being overwhelmed by a dictator is to do the same oneself. In this way it is often found that each partner can quite logically accuse the other of being dictatorial.

The external manifestations of dictatorship will vary greatly with the type of personality of the “dictator.” There may be aggressive expressions, such as domineering, tyranny, shouting, physical cruelty or violence, financial tyranny, and a rooted and well rationalized determination to “make the other one over” to an arbitrary pattern in the mind of the “dictator.” The aggressive attitudes are often carried over into the sexual relationship, with threats of all kinds of retaliation if the demands are not fulfilled.

On the other hand there may be less openly aggressive expressions, such as nagging and “needling,” sulking, masochistic “suffering,” or even actual sickness. At times there may be even demands on the partner to feel in a particular way, for example when a husband willingly goes with his wife to some function he doesn’t enjoy at all, simply out of love for her and the desire to do things with her, and she is hurt because he didn’t enjoy the function.

The first task of the counselor is to help the dictatorial person to a realization that in fact he is demanding, whether or not he may feel there are adequate reasons for doing so. This is often surprisingly difficult, especially in the case of men, who may still have deep in their minds the largely obsolete concept that marriage is a male-dominated affair. It is common for a husband or wife to make a clear and definite demand and in the next breath deny completely that any demand has been made! There may be such a comment as “All I ask is that ,” or a statement that he is not demanding, but only appealing to the partner.

In such cases the question, “Can you tell me the difference between an appeal and a demand?” will generally bring some deep thought, and the most common answer will be in some such terms as “It depends on what way it is put. A demand is put in forceful terms and an appeal in reasonable terms.” This of course is not necessarily true, many demands can be put in most reasonable appealing terms, but they are none the less demanding. The partners need to see that the real difference is that an appeal is willing to take “no” for an answer, while a demand, however appealingly put, is not willing to take “no” for an answer. Once this is realized and accepted the partners will have this whole question much better clarified in their minds, and there will be fewer demands in most cases.

It is difficult for many people to accept the idea that we cannot hold people up to their moral (as distinct from their legal) obligations. We can express disapproval, and make our own adjustment or reaction to what is being done, but we cannot abolish the “autonomy” or self-government which is the very core of democratic society, for which men and women have fought and died over the centuries. Bernard Shaw once made the penetrating observation that “when all the other autocracies have vanished from the world, the last autocracy left will be the family usually governed by the worst disposition in it.”

The demanding person then, unless the partner is an excessively compliant person, will need to come to the realization that we can only seek to win other people’s cooperation; that any cooperation gained by coercion, bribery or trickery is only superficial and generally worth very little. The “victim” of demands may come to the realistic insight that it is not necessary to prevent the demands from being made, that would constitute a denial of free speech. Neither is it necessary to respond by attempted dictatorship, that leads to stalemate or deeper conflict. It is possible to grant the other person the privilege of demanding what he likes, and reserving the natural freedom to comply or not to comply. The “victim” might respond in some such manner as “You want me to do so and so, but I’m sorry, I don’t feel it’s right for me to do that, and I shall have to disappoint you.” This is an application of the simple democratic principle of “live and let live.” We can do what we feel to be right, not necessarily what we want to do, and not what somebody else thinks is right for us. To stand firm on one’s own convictions in this way, while granting others the privilege of thinking and saying what they like about it, would seem to be the only realistic democratic way of living, domestically or socially.

When someone disapproves deeply of any action it behooves us to give genuine consideration to that attitude, and if possible to find out why it is being held, rather than to be obstinately fixed in what we have decided. We can often learn from our severest critics, and the very fact of giving serious consideration to any such criticism or demand will do much to preserve the relationship. We can accept such criticism more calmly when we remember that it is the duty of a partner to express his ideas on matters affecting the partnership in any way, rather than to be a “silent partner,” especially rather than to harbor hostile feelings in such matters.

It is possible therefore to deal with many disagreements by accepting the partner’s feelings on the matter involved, and accepting his conduct within the law, but feeling free to express one’s own feelings about it. In such attitudes as this the way is open for the constructive use of disagreements and conflicts. It is well that this is possible, for there will inevitably be many conflicts in marriage and family living.
Such handling of conflicts can be of real help in some particular kinds of conflict, such as those found in “mixed marriages,” and those with “in-laws,” or with other people such as employers and friends.

Indifference is another very common disturbance of the personal relationship of marriage to come up for consideration in marriage counseling. It is also apparently very common in many marriages for which no counseling is sought. It is often a slow insidious “disease” of marriage, and it shows itself in many different ways. There may be a lack of common interests and cooperative activities, a lack of interest in or even awareness of the feelings, the needs or the rights of the partner or the children, or there may be a neglect of the essential responsibilities concerning the house or the financial necessities. Each may gradually come to go his own way and live like boarders in the same house without any real companionship.

Indifference is a less dramatic, but a far more serious disorder of marriage than hostility, and a much more difficult one for the partners to deal with, because the necessary motivation has generally been more or less destroyed. While hostility is the emotional “opposite” of love and is apt, like all emotions, to be changeable; indifference is the “opposite” of the “goodwill” aspect of love, the sustained and sustaining bond of marriage, and it is more likely to be an established attitude, less open to change. When indifference comes into the marriage the deep emotional needs of the partners for affection and companionship are frustrated, and the stage is set for strong urges for either of them to seek the fulfilment of such needs elsewhere. This of course will tend to make the situation still more difficult and complicated.

When indifference or withdrawal of companionship are discovered in the counseling the counselor will seek to discover and to help the partners to understand something of why it came about. It may be that the original decision to marry was based on inadequate foundations or motives, and then the partners need to work out their ideas of how they can find ways of building better on what resources they have or can develop. It may be that one or both have personal inadequacies that may be overcome to some extent with patient help, or that their marital relationship has become upset by misunderstandings or failures, or that pressures from their environment have proved overwhelming. Any or all of these possible determining factors will need to be explored in the counseling, together with their relationships as children with the significant people in their lives.

One specific kind of indifference merits particular attention, the fairly common reaction of wives when they return home after childbirth. The emotional strain of pregnancy and the confinement, and the intense stirring of the maternal instinct through contact with and nursing of the eagerly anticipated baby may leave little emotional energy for a time for her to offer to the husband. In some cases, of course, when the baby is not greatly wanted, there may be still more emotional strain, with the addition of feelings of guilt and frustration, together with some apprehensiveness about the mother’s ability to carry the job of parenthood through satisfactorily. In either case the newly returned mother of the first, and even more of the second and third child, may feel a kind of indifference to the advances and even the needs of her husband. If he does not understand this it may well bring considerable hostility on his part from the “injustice” of being “treated like that “when he has been denied some of the normal relationships during the later months of his wife’s pregnancy.” If the husband can accept his wife’s temporary indifference, even though he may find it hard to understand it, and can support her in the difficult task of settling down to a radically changed household, with a new baby and sometimes also with one or more jealous toddlers, she will generally negotiate the readjustment that is necessary without much delay, and their personal relationship will be strengthened through the experience of going through the difficult period together.

Situations of this kind may be very much more difficult when they are complicated by any “parent fixation” on the part of either husband or wife. Unless this can be faced and dealt with the indifference will more likely become fixed, and the barriers will grow steadily more impenetrable.