Archive for the 'Counseling' Category

The parental relationship in this part of the discussion means the particular part of the husband-wife relationship which is concerned with their mutual function as parents. Many areas of deep conflict may come up in counseling which involve this aspect of marriage. Those which will be dealt with may be considered in chronological order.

The first that may arise is premarital pregnancy, with some very deep emotional consequences in each partner. It may be that they decide to marry largely because of the heavy pressure of the respective families, especially that of the girl. In such cases there is great danger of resentment on either side, and such matters are all too often “thrown up” at one or other partner when hostilities arise from any cause. The memory of the premarital intercourse may generate or increase deep suspicions by either husband or wife of the fidelity of the other in later years. Such dangers are lessened when the two young people marry by free mutual consent with the full knowledge that there is another good alternative, the offering of the baby for adoption, even though it may be an agonizing decision for the mother.

In some cases, when a pregnant girl is persuaded or coerced to the participation in an illegal abortion, there are profound effects on her deepest emotions, some of which may not show themselves for many years. When such cases come to the counselor before marriage and he is faced with the decision of the girl to seek such an abortion, it is his duty to make sure at least that she realizes some of the less obvious consequences of what she is considering. It may also be necessary for the counselor to have some discussion with other participants in the whole matter, such as the father of the child and the parents of the two lovers. In this way it may be possible for the impulsive urges of fear and guilt-stricken people to be controlled, and for some rational and honest consideration of the whole situation to be encouraged.

The girl who either hands her baby over for adoption or has it removed by abortion will often be in great need of help, and in many cases the counselor can offer good cooperation to the girl’s doctor who may also be offering some help. In this way she may be able to unburden her feelings more fully and come to more radical adjustment, often with the further help of a wise minister. There will then be less danger of permanent wounds to her personality which might otherwise do damage to future marital relationships and future parenthood. Next, in point of time may come an unexpectedly early pregnancy and parenthood, possibly with quite serious consequences from the point of view of finance and housing. Some good help here may sometimes be given by a social worker, and it often happens that with good counseling ways can be found to help such young people through the difficult adjustment to the unexpected early responsibility of parenthood.

Too many children for the young couple’s resources of money, housing and energy may also bring some marital disorder, especially when there are difficulties in the way of effective family planning, either from ignorance or stupidity, or from conscientious objections. In the same way a succession of children coming too soon after one another may have some adverse effects on the partnership as well as on the wife’s health. Good counseling in such matters, with possible referral for special help, may bring better conditions and an improvement in the relationship.

Dependency, the fourth of the disruptive elements in the personal relationship of marriage, is also normally found to some extent in practically every marriage. Aristotle is credited with the observation that “the man who can do without his fellows is either a beast or a god!” We are inter-dependent rather than independent, and the question that matters in this aspect of marriage counseling is the degree of dependency and its effect on the marital relationship.

As with the other elements we have considered, dependency can show itself in many different ways. One partner may be an inveterate “leaner” on the other, and appear to have little or no capacity to stand on his or her own feet. This dependency may show itself as intense possessiveness or jealousy, or in persistent demands on the partner of the different kinds we have been considering.

When such expressions of dependency come into counseling it is for the counselor to try to discover as many of the background reasons for the dependency as possible, because the best growth will come when the causative factors can be understood and if possible dealt with. He will also need to make some tentative assessment of the possible resources for growth in the dependent person, and of the attitudes and resources of the partner through which the situation may be given time and opportunity for positive development. Some actual suggestions may be necessary for a dependent person, as long as they are not offered in such a way as to increase the dependency or to divert it onto the counselor. For example if a wife seems quite helpless in the management of the home and in such essential matters as cooking, the suggestion of a definite attempt to gain some training in these things would seem to be valid. The counselor will put such suggestions in the “creative questioning” form, such as “Do you think it would help if you could go and get some domestic training at one of the domestic science schools, or from some friend or relative?” In this way the initiative is left to some extent with the client, and necessity can still remain for him or her “the mother of invention”-and of growth.

The partner of the excessively dependent person may need some help in the acceptance of the amount of dependency that seems inevitable at any stage in the counseling progress, because any great impatience or hostility might well reduce the dependent person to despair, and make the whole project more difficult or even impossible. To live with a dependent person may require considerable judgment regarding how much can be left to him to do, even at the risk of domestic untidiness for a time, and considerable patience to give time and sufficient encouragement for development. But with reasonable care it is generally possible for two partners to develop to a remarkable extent in such cases, particularly if any accessible underlying factors, such as previous over-mothering, can be faced and worked through in the counseling.