Difficulties in sexual relationship - A strain in marriage

As we have seen the sexual and the personal relationships in marriage are closely inter-related. Disturbance of either will inevitably have some upsetting effect on the other. But the personal relationship is generally easier to control than the sexual, and even temporary personal acceptance of sexual difficulties which seem unable to be controlled or overcome by “will power” will make for a more appropriate “atmosphere” for the sexual relationship to develop into greater harmony.

One example of a controllable sexual relationship which can improve the personal relationship in marriage is in the attitude of the partners to sexual intercourse after a personal quarrel. Here is a situation in which the general attitude of men differs markedly from that of women. A man will often think of sexual intercourse as a gesture of reconciliation after a quarrel, but if he seeks to have it in this way his wife will almost certainly regard this as a deep affront to her personality. She will probably be glad to accept it after the personal reconciliation has been achieved, as an expression of their regained unity and not as a means to its achievement. If husbands can be helped to understand this they may save a great deal of misunderstanding and further conflict. Otherwise the husband will seek intercourse in good faith, and then when his wife objects, also in good faith, he will quite wrongly accuse her of obstinacy, and that will increase her resentment and the quarrel will deepen. Sexual intercourse is not appropriately regarded as a means of reconciliation, and its use for that purpose is often merely a way of escaping an honest personal apology.

Another disturbance of the sexual relationship which is quite controllable is what is termed “coitus interruptus,” the sudden drawing away of the husband before the emission of semen in an attempt to avoid the risk of impregnating his wife. This may not be related spontaneously in the counseling, at least during the earlier interviews, and it may be necessary for the counselor to ask at some appropriate point how the partners feel about family planning and what they are doing about it. This practice “coitus interruptus” is universally regarded as unwarranted and harmful to the nervous systems of both partners, and the emotional strain associated with it often shows itself in symptoms not necessarily related to the practice. It is often carried out because of ignorance, or because of diffidence about seeking proper help in family planning, and when it is revealed in counseling it is important for the counselor to suggest that the partners obtain some reliable help in family planning from a suitable clinic or from their doctor. Such a referral may lead to great improvement in the whole marital relationship.

Similar medical referral may be advisable in a number of other disturbances of the sexual relationship. The complete lack of satisfaction experienced by many women in the sexual relationship may often be helped by good medical or psychiatric attention. When it is accentuated or caused by extremely painful intercourse in young wives it needs expert help immediately or the situation will almost certainly deteriorate. In the same way when it is caused by deep fear of possible pregnancy it needs immediate help. Another cause of dissatisfaction, faulty conduct of sexual intercourse on the part of the husband, may also be helped by some appropriate advice, preferably by a doctor.

But many cases of dissatisfaction are not relieved by any of these measures, because they are due to much deeper sexual inhibitions, often the product of faulty conditioning of the wife by parents and others. There may be deep hostilities against men in general which are well hidden from the woman’s awareness, but which cause all kinds of apparently irrational and obstinately persistent sexual attitudes, such as frigidity and vaginismus, or even latent or overt homosexual attitudes. When there is any indication of such deeper disorders appropriate referral is generally advisable.

Tags: Counseling