Irreligion in Marital disorders

Irreligion as an intra-personal factor may be distinguished from difference of religious denomination and other forms of religious incompatibility, which are more fittingly considered with the inter-personal factors. Irreligion is difficult to define in simple terms, and it may not necessarily correspond to outward or conventional indications. It may be thought of as a lack of an adequate sense of purpose, and consequently of values; gross self-centeredness and selfishness.

In this sense it will obviously make for great strain and difficulty in marriage, which requires some genuine concern for the welfare of others, some willingness to accept and forgive in realistic awareness of one’s own fallibility. Professor John MacMurray once observed that “the field of religion is that of human relationships,” and the Founder of Christianity laid down one predominant criterion by which the quality of our religion can be tested, “By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, that ye love one another” (St. John 13:35).

It is not the province of the marriage counselor as such to preach religion to those who come for help. But he may be able to contribute much to such a situation, first through the quality of his own empathy and acceptance of both partners; second, by respecting their own religious attitudes even when they are markedly different from his, and looking with them at the implications of their attitudes with regard to the marriage relationships; and third, through referral to someone who may be able to give constructive help in any religious difficulties which may be recognized. No marriage counselor has any right to use his position to seek to impose any of his own beliefs or attitudes on anyone else. He may “let his light shine” out of himself, but that is quite a different matter from trying to make it shine into any other person.

We have considered four sets of intra-personal factors which can contribute to marital disorder, ignorance (or misinformation), immaturity, illness and irreligion. Although they are primarily intra-personal they cannot help bringing a degree of strain on the relationship. But they generally need to be dealt with mostly on the individual level, sometimes with the help of an appropriate person. As we have seen they are often best helped by a wise referral unless the marriage counselor has some special competence in the field of individual therapy concerned.

At the same time the marriage counselor may well have an important role in helping the other partner to live with the disturbed situation while any individual help is being obtained, and possibly when the intra-personal disorder persists in spite of any attempts to help. He may also be able to help two disturbed people to live more peacefully together and to work out some flexible “live and let live” arrangement.

Tags: Counseling