Missing of the “we” feeling

Intolerance, indifference and inattention to the marriage relationship are put together because they are different expressions of lack of the “goodwill” or the “we” feeling which is essential for happy marriage.

Intolerance, already mentioned, means a refusal to allow one’s partner the normal autonomy or “self-government” which we have come to regard as an essential part of our democratic way of life. Of course there must be limits to tolerance, and refusal to allow such illegal actions as cruelty, theft, or adultery is not only justifiable, but an essential aspect of good partnership. But it is very common to find in marital disorders that one or both partners are trying to mold the other into an arbitrary kind of personality pattern, and being demanding and dictatorial about matters that are not essentially of common concern.

These possessive dictatorial attitudes are often found to be signs of deep psychic insecurity and fear of being dominated, frustrated or humiliated, and in such cases they are neurotic attitudes which may need help. Sometimes intolerance is simply the “carry over” into marriage of a “spoiled child” attitude.

Intolerance may show itself in many different ways. There may be outbursts of temper, and aggressive demands with moodiness and sulking when they are not fulfilled. There may be “righteous indignation” with the conviction that it is possible to hold another person up to his “moral obligations.” There may be persistent nagging, “the chief weapon of the weak against the strong,” or jealousy and bitterness. And there may even be suffering or illness for the purpose (generally unconscious) of “blackmailing” the partner to conform to the person’s wishes or demands.

Indifference may be described as lack of interest in the partner’s welfare in all its aspects, attitudes, interests, doings, and in the partnership itself. This may arise from the feeling of being threatened in status or control, from preoccupation with selfish affairs, or from deeply imbedded individualism and self-centeredness. It may also be a result of despair about the marriage. The really self-centered are generally poor candidates for marriage unless they can see themselves to a sufficient extent to develop beyond their self-worship. But they often get married in the blind assumption that all their needs will be met by a devoted partner, who is generally unaware of these great expectations and soon comes to rebel when they become obvious. Indifference is the true opposite of goodwill, just as hatred is the opposite of the emotional aspect of love. When marriage and the family are not given a high priority in the attitudes of both partners it is inevitable that their standards will drift into dull monotonous mediocrity or incessant wearing conflict.

Inattention to the marriage relationship is often an expression of indifference, but it is just as often due to ignorance or immaturity. Young people do not always realize that love is a living quality, and that it therefore needs constant nourishment. It can only be nourished by being expressed and received, by word and gesture, by thoughtful kindly spontaneous actions, and deepest of all through the mutual self-offering of a devoted sexual relationship. Marriage needs constant daily work from both partners if it is to be kept alive and fresh, and when the marriage and one’s partner are “taken for granted” the marriage must suffer to some extent. Neglect from whatever cause throws a big strain on it.

Tags: Counseling