Outward manifestations of immaturity in Marital disorders

Before leaving the subject of immaturity as an intra-personal factor in marital disorders it is well to remind ourselves that many of the ostensible causes of marital conflict are really outward manifestations of immaturity. Some of these may be considered at this point.

Intemperance in one form or another is a very common apparent cause of marital breakdown. Repeated drunkenness has been put forward as one of the most common of all causes by people who are mainly concerned with the more obvious destructive factors without looking far beneath the surface to deeper causes. Here again the boundary line between emotional immaturity and neurotic illness as a cause of alcoholism is vague and ill defined, and it is more of academic interest to the marriage counselor, because it is outside his province to attempt the cure of such intra-personal disorders. When it becomes a serious threat to a marriage, or indeed to any person’s health or general welfare, it is properly the concern of such professional help as given by psychiatrists, often helped by a period of institutional care and discipline, and such “mutual help” organizations as Alcoholics Anonymous. It may be the counselor’s task, when such troubles come to him in his marriage counseling, to try to persuade the alcoholic to submit himself for proper treatment, and to see the value and the possibility of relief.

The alcoholic may provide a very difficult problem in marriage counseling because he seldom has any idea of how his conduct appears to other people, and he may be so much at the mercy of his addiction that even with all the misery of “hangovers” he still has little motivation to undergo the difficult discipline involved in overcoming it. He seems to have little recognition of the suffering and distress imposed on his partner and of the intensity of his demands in many cases for sexual intercouse at the very time when his wife is likely to feel nauseated by his crude uncouth behavior. Beyond all of this there is often a further problem in the excessive spending of money on his alcoholic excesses, and in the growing neglect of his home and surroundings and the progressive loss of the respect of his growing children, even if by some good fortune he is able to keep a reasonable job.

Another form of intemperance which may have quite devastating effects on marriage is in the spending of money, particularly in response to what may be termed the gambling fever. When this gets hold of any man or woman it may bring the partnership to financial ruin unless some strong measures can be taken to restrain the spending, and unless some good psychotherapy can bring the underlying immaturity or neurotic trends to the surface so that they can be dealt with decisively. Here again such difficulties are generally best referred by the marriage counselor for appropriate psychotherapy, without which any apparent recovery is likely to be temporary.

The overspending of time may also be destructive to marriage. For example, one of the partners may become so addicted to some craze that his home and even his job are neglected, not to mention his personality. Almost any activity can become the object of overaddiction, even religious activities, and these addictions are also indications of either emotional immaturity or of definite emotional or mental disorder. They are seldom helped greatly by exhortation, but are more appropriately regarded as symptoms of deeper disorder which is best dealt with by psychotherapy.

Irresponsibility is also frequently suggested as a cause of marital disorder, but here again it is probably better regarded from the point of view of treatment as an outward and visible sign of immaturity. It is more within the field of counseling than the various forms of intemperance except when it is a symptom of deeper emotional disorder, such as the psychopathic personality, which will be referred to in due course. Some cases of irresponsibility can be helped over a period of time by the marriage partner, through repeated exposure of the irresponsible person to situations which demand responsibility, taking the risk of evasion of the challenge and being ready to accept some inconvenience when that happens.

Tags: Counseling