Personal relationship conflicts - Dictatorship

Dictatorship is almost invariably found in marital conflict, and it is sometimes one of the most influential elements in the disorder. It is generally rationalized in some way, and it tends to stir up reactions in the “victim” which only make matters worse. Behind the dictatorial attitudes are often such intra-personal inadequacies as immaturity, perfectionism, deep insecurity and feelings of inferiority, and other kinds of neurotic and even psychotic personality. In other cases it may arise as a reaction to dictatorship in the partner, in the conviction that the only way to guard against being overwhelmed by a dictator is to do the same oneself. In this way it is often found that each partner can quite logically accuse the other of being dictatorial.

The external manifestations of dictatorship will vary greatly with the type of personality of the “dictator.” There may be aggressive expressions, such as domineering, tyranny, shouting, physical cruelty or violence, financial tyranny, and a rooted and well rationalized determination to “make the other one over” to an arbitrary pattern in the mind of the “dictator.” The aggressive attitudes are often carried over into the sexual relationship, with threats of all kinds of retaliation if the demands are not fulfilled.

On the other hand there may be less openly aggressive expressions, such as nagging and “needling,” sulking, masochistic “suffering,” or even actual sickness. At times there may be even demands on the partner to feel in a particular way, for example when a husband willingly goes with his wife to some function he doesn’t enjoy at all, simply out of love for her and the desire to do things with her, and she is hurt because he didn’t enjoy the function.

The first task of the counselor is to help the dictatorial person to a realization that in fact he is demanding, whether or not he may feel there are adequate reasons for doing so. This is often surprisingly difficult, especially in the case of men, who may still have deep in their minds the largely obsolete concept that marriage is a male-dominated affair. It is common for a husband or wife to make a clear and definite demand and in the next breath deny completely that any demand has been made! There may be such a comment as “All I ask is that ,” or a statement that he is not demanding, but only appealing to the partner.

In such cases the question, “Can you tell me the difference between an appeal and a demand?” will generally bring some deep thought, and the most common answer will be in some such terms as “It depends on what way it is put. A demand is put in forceful terms and an appeal in reasonable terms.” This of course is not necessarily true, many demands can be put in most reasonable appealing terms, but they are none the less demanding. The partners need to see that the real difference is that an appeal is willing to take “no” for an answer, while a demand, however appealingly put, is not willing to take “no” for an answer. Once this is realized and accepted the partners will have this whole question much better clarified in their minds, and there will be fewer demands in most cases.

It is difficult for many people to accept the idea that we cannot hold people up to their moral (as distinct from their legal) obligations. We can express disapproval, and make our own adjustment or reaction to what is being done, but we cannot abolish the “autonomy” or self-government which is the very core of democratic society, for which men and women have fought and died over the centuries. Bernard Shaw once made the penetrating observation that “when all the other autocracies have vanished from the world, the last autocracy left will be the family usually governed by the worst disposition in it.”

The demanding person then, unless the partner is an excessively compliant person, will need to come to the realization that we can only seek to win other people’s cooperation; that any cooperation gained by coercion, bribery or trickery is only superficial and generally worth very little. The “victim” of demands may come to the realistic insight that it is not necessary to prevent the demands from being made, that would constitute a denial of free speech. Neither is it necessary to respond by attempted dictatorship, that leads to stalemate or deeper conflict. It is possible to grant the other person the privilege of demanding what he likes, and reserving the natural freedom to comply or not to comply. The “victim” might respond in some such manner as “You want me to do so and so, but I’m sorry, I don’t feel it’s right for me to do that, and I shall have to disappoint you.” This is an application of the simple democratic principle of “live and let live.” We can do what we feel to be right, not necessarily what we want to do, and not what somebody else thinks is right for us. To stand firm on one’s own convictions in this way, while granting others the privilege of thinking and saying what they like about it, would seem to be the only realistic democratic way of living, domestically or socially.

When someone disapproves deeply of any action it behooves us to give genuine consideration to that attitude, and if possible to find out why it is being held, rather than to be obstinately fixed in what we have decided. We can often learn from our severest critics, and the very fact of giving serious consideration to any such criticism or demand will do much to preserve the relationship. We can accept such criticism more calmly when we remember that it is the duty of a partner to express his ideas on matters affecting the partnership in any way, rather than to be a “silent partner,” especially rather than to harbor hostile feelings in such matters.

It is possible therefore to deal with many disagreements by accepting the partner’s feelings on the matter involved, and accepting his conduct within the law, but feeling free to express one’s own feelings about it. In such attitudes as this the way is open for the constructive use of disagreements and conflicts. It is well that this is possible, for there will inevitably be many conflicts in marriage and family living.
Such handling of conflicts can be of real help in some particular kinds of conflict, such as those found in “mixed marriages,” and those with “in-laws,” or with other people such as employers and friends.

Tags: Counseling