Psychoneurosis in Marital disorders

How can they be recognized? A simple description has been offered by Albert Ellis, M.A., Ph.D. in his book “How to Live with a Neurotic” (Crown Publishers, Inc., New York, N. Y.). “Psychologists usually label as ‘neurotic’ only those individuals who are so inappropriate in their feelings and so ineffective and disruptive in their behavior that they sooner or later get into rather serious difficulties of their own making.” The inappropriateness of feeling may be shown in undue anxiety, irrational fears (such as claustrophobia), crippling indecision even about straightforward matters, extreme touchiness and hostility over trivial things, seeing “insults” in perfectly natural attitudes, and suspicion of even the most genuine motives. In other cases there may be obsessional feelings, compulsive striving for perfection and rigid demands on others for perfection, blaming them bitterly when they fail to meet expectations. There may also be extreme or morbid guilt feelings.

These inappropriate feelings generally extend beyond the domestic relationships to every other relationship. There are frequent conflicts in the person’s job, in which everyone else is wrong and he is the “injured party.” This expression of inappropriateness in a wider field may help to differentiate neurotic illness from the emotional immaturity already considered, but there is no clear point of division between the two.

The neurotic is constantly “ridden” rather than in control of his life, he is compulsive, self-centered and demanding, even demanding love and friendship at the same time he is doing everything possible to alienate those who would help him. When it suits him he can turn on the charm, but this is superficial and short lived, and turns quickly to hostility when his desires are not fulfilled. He may have the capacity to succeed but stands all the time in his own light, making the most plausible excuses, and many obviously stupid ones, for his failures.

The important feature about all of these inappropriate feelings and attitudes and the ineffective and disruptive behavior is that they are not open to “reason” or to the direct awareness or control of the neurotic or of anyone else. They can only be tackled by helping the person to work backward from them so as to discover the false concepts and assumptions about life and about people, including himself, which are behind the symptoms; for example that other people “must” fulfil any person’s arbitrary expectations, or that love is something that can be obtained or preserved at “pistol point.” There are many such false assumptions about life and they are extremely varied, and well protected by very strong psychic defenses. That is one reason why psychotherapy is such a skilled, patient and complex art.

It is easy to see how such intense and falsely based feelings can be so destructive to the marriage relationship, and how all attempts at “sweet reason,” criticism, advice and admonition will be doomed to failure. Unless the neurotic is willing to face the “blood, toil, tears and sweat” of possibly prolonged psychotherapy (which means accepting his need for help), the trouble tends to recur. An interesting and important aspect of neurosis in marriage is that people often make their choice of a mate in a manner greatly influenced by their neurotic needs. For example an insecure boy who has a neurotic need to get girls to “fall” for him might come to marry a girl with a sense of inferiority who needs a “masterful” boy. When the neuroses of the two partners “neutralize” each other the marriage might well be very satisfactory to both of them. When the relationship is or becomes satisfactory it may be quite harmful to the marriage to set out to treat the neurosis of one of them, because the whole balance of the marriage may be completely upset. It is often better in such cases to “let sleeping dogs lie.”

Tags: Counseling