The Arranging and Handling of Joint Interviews

The whole question of joint interviews needs to be considered in relationship with two important facts first, that nearly all marital disorders have very strong emotional components which by their very nature tend to take control of any discussions and to divert them from any “reasonable” path; and second, that the counselor will be carrying out with the partners something that they may have already tried many times without him, and generally failed to solve their conflicts in doing so.

But the presence of the counselor introduces a very influential element into any such discussion. Each partner will unconsciously as well as consciously relate his attitudes to the counselor in one way or another. He may try to win the counselor’s emotional support, and he may well restrain himself from many obviously absurd accusations which he might have made otherwise. From another point of view the counselor brings what can be a vital influence into such joint discussions in that if, say, a husband is deeply hurt in the counselor’s presence, the humiliation may put him so much on the defensive that he might not feel able to go on in any but a superficial manner with further counseling.

It seems clear therefore that joint interviews need careful consideration and even more careful and tactful handling if the dangers of excessive wounding on the one hand or of loss of rapport on the other are to be minimized. In some cases the two partners come together for the first appointment, and it may be helpful to consider some of the possible meanings of this action. As we have seen previously it may mean that they have a mutual willingness to look for a way through their difficulties, and are not aware of any great emotional conflict between them. In other cases they come together because they have the idea that this would be expected of them. There may however be some deeper reasons for their coming together. For example there may be in one or both of them a deep suspicion that the first one to be interviewed may gain some advantage by “getting in first,” which suggests their idea that the counselor is going to act as a kind of judge. There may be a desire to “answer” all criticisms and accusations the moment they are made, coupled with a fear of being discussed “behind their backs.”

In most cases when the two partners come together for the initial appointment the counselor will have them both in for the beginning of the interview, and will observe them closely while he is listening to whoever is doing the talking. When there is any indication of emotional tension in one or both, either outwardly expressed or less directly conveyed by sitting silently and looking away from the counselor and the partner, the counselor will generally suggest that it is mostly easier for people to talk freely in the absence of other people, and offer them the opportunity for individual interviews. When put in this way the offer is usually accepted, and it is either left to the partners to decide who shall be first, or the counselor suggests that the one who seems to be least anxious to talk might have the first opportunity. In many cases this person has been a bit overwhelmed by the more active partner, and if sent out may feel even more crushed.

If one of the partners has more difficulty in arranging convenient times for appointments it may be right to have that one in first, and in such cases the partners will often suggest that themselves. But in all cases when both partners come for the first appointment each of them should be given some time alone with the counselor, even if with the second partner it is only a short session which shows acceptance of some feelings and sets the stage for another fuller session within a short time. In this way neither partner is so likely to feel frustrated after summoning up quite a lot of will power to make the initial approach to the counselor. This first contact is, as we have seen, of the greatest importance as the foundation of the counseling relationship.

Keywords: Marriage, Marriage Counseling, Marital Relationship, Marital Disorder, Marital Conflict