The background and the feelings of the partner seeking counseling

Here is Molly Jones, sitting in the waiting room, awaiting the signal to go in and meet the counselor for the first time. What might she be thinking about as she sits, possibly with mixed feelings as she faces what may be to her a painful ordeal? There may be many memories intertwining with one another in her mind. The marriage itself, it seemed so right then, but how different now! “Was I too impulsive, carried away by the desire to be married, or proud of being wanted by an attractive man? Should I have seen through him then as I do now? Could I have realized how interfering his mother would be, and how much under her thumb he was?”

She may be going over the many disagreements and conflicts, the cruel remarks and misunderstandings, the physical cruelty alternating with indifference and neglect, the intolerable crudeness and disgusting nauseating alcoholic behavior, the slow death of her love in the face of repeated unwarranted hostility and the growth of distrust and hatred in its place. There may be memories too of some well-meaning attempts by relatives to find a solution to the conflicts, and the sequences of hope and despair as the old habits reasserted themselves so soon. The most hopeful of all were the courageous efforts she and Jack had made to let bygones be bygones and start again on a better footing, how they each felt that they understood the other better and that they loved each other in spite of having “got off on the wrong foot,” and how utterly despairing she felt when the same old “techniques” came up within a couple of weeks of their “reconciliation.”

She may be recalling her visit to her solicitor, and the awful difficulty of deciding whether to “take the plunge” and leave Jack-and what about the two children if she did? They’d miss their Daddy, and he would probably insist on regular access to them, and that would only make them unsettled and upset. Then there was the visit to her minister who had no realization that things were so bad, but Jack would have nothing to do with him. And then his suggestion to look for help from the marriage counselor and her inability to believe that the counselor could do anything in such a difficult situation, especially as Jack still said he wouldn’t have anything to do with any third party.

So here she is, with all her diffidence and anxiety about coming, with some worries about the possibility of disloyalty in telling a complete stranger about Jack, and about the possible repercussions that might come of it. Yet there is an aching desire for someone to be able to straighten out her bewilderment, and to stop her from thinking round and round in circles. Will the counselor understand, and what will he try to do about the hopeless looking situation? Can he get hold of Jack and do anything to make him see reason? How can she tell him so that she will not make a fool of herself by breaking down? What does he want to know? Will he take Jack’s part because men so often think alike and stand up for one another.

There may be many other and possibly quite different thoughts and feelings, such as the desire to get out of the intolerable marital situation at any cost, there may be deep attraction and desire for someone else whom she can’t get out of her thoughts, or she may have already left and got a job, and become adjusted to her “independence” and yet still have doubts about the welfare of the children. In almost every case, however, one can assume that there will be deeply hurt pride, righteous indignation at the behavior of Jack and probably his parents too, bewilderment, disillusionment and cynicism, anxiety and despair, feelings of failure and guilt, and often aversion and indifference or burning hatred. It is well for the counselor to allow for such feelings behind the apparent calmness of the person we have called Molly, as she comes with some curiosity into the counseling room, sits down, and collects her thoughts so that she can begin her story.

When a husband happens to come first, his memories and feelings may well be somewhat similar to those already mentioned, but in general it may be said that men are more reluctant and diffident about discussing their private marital affairs with any third party, except possibly a close personal friend. In many cases a husband will not make the initial approach unless he is rather desperate, or unless his wife has actually left him. He may feel confident even then that she will come back of her own accord before long when she has recovered from the emotional tension. But when the weeks go by and there is no sign of her return, or when she still assures him that she will not return, he may then become willing to sink his “pride” and come for help. He will often say then “I’ll do anything to get her back, I didn’t realize things were as bad as that, or that she felt as bad as that.”

When the husband and wife make the initial appointment and come together it suggests a mutual willingness to look for a way through their difficulties. Many couples who have the same mutual willingness will come separately because they know that this is how marriage counselors generally begin with any marital problem, and they feel better able to discuss their troubles at first without each other’s presence. In such “joint” appointments there may be less intense feeling between them, and a short interview with them together will disclose any evidence of intense emotional conflict. The counselor might then suggest that it might be found easier if one or other waited outside for a time. If they are ready to comply with this and are in any doubt about which one should have first interview, the counselor might suggest that the partner who seems to have most reserved feelings or to have least to say would be the appropriate one for the first interview. If one of them finds it more difficult to arrange suitable times for appointments, that one would generally be the right one with whom to begin.

In all of this preliminary discussion the counselor is beginning to establish an accepting permissive relationship with the partners, which will do much to help them to feel free to unburden their feelings without undue reserve or inhibition. If the counselor has used his own knowledge and experience to allow for the many and mixed feelings and memories behind those who come for help it will make him more sensitive to any cautious beginnings of unburdening that either of them may offer him. This will encourage them to go on with confidence.

Tags: Counseling