The client’s habitual attitudes and responses

We have referred to the fact that as the client’s narrative proceeds, helped by the counselor’s accepting and questioning comments, the counselor will gradually perceive a kind of pattern as it is progressively revealed to him. He regards it as tentative, and continually open for correction or modification as he feels further into the client’s attitudes.

A fairly obvious part of this pattern, somewhat wider in scope than the specific role perceptions and expectations in the marital relationship is made up of the client’s habitual attitudes and responses. As these are revealed during the interviews the counselor can help the client to clearer awareness of them by “reflecting” them back to him in a manner and tone of voice which show acceptance of them and a desire to understand the client’s feelings more fully.

For example, with the interviewing of Betty and Frank already discussed to some extent, Betty might have made several statements which could be summed up in the expression, “If he really loved me he wouldn’t mind doing things in the home the way I want them done, would he?” This looks like a habitual attitude which invests “love” with a rather possessive demanding quality inconsistent with the democratic principle of “autonomy” and respect for other people’s freedom even one’s marital partner’s freedom. How is the counselor to deal with this comment of Betty’s, remembering that she is probably unable at the moment to see her habitual attitudes objectively?

If he faced her directly, even if not bluntly, with the statement, “But you can’t use love to make people do what you want them to do!” it would probably put Betty’s back up and make it even more difficult for her to see her attitude objectively. A type of comment which might be more illuminating to her is, “You feel that those who love you should do what you want them to do?” If she says “yes,” it would be unwise for the counselor to turn the situation back and ask, “Would you then do that for someone you loved?” for two reasons. First because that is not the criterion of human behavior; we don’t do things because someone else would do the same for us but because we think it right to do them. And second because Betty might well say “Yes I would!” and leave the counselor in a “dead end.” A better kind of comment might be, “But it seems that others may not think of love in quite the same way, can you allow for that?” This will give her something to go on pondering over if she doesn’t gain insight at that time.

This clarifying process demands considerable patience and tact, and a high standard of empathy, but the general attitude and method of handling is more likely than any other to help the client to growing insight into any destructive habitual attitudes and responses. But there are deeper factors still which may need to come to light if those habitual attitudes are to be overcome. As suggested in the last example there are uncritically accepted assumptions about life, about people, and about the client’s own self which have had a lot to do with the formation of the habitual attitudes, and unless these are realized and corrected it may be difficult to change the habitual attitudes.

Linked up with any uncritical assumptions and often dominating them are the person’s emotional needs, and his ways of seeking fulfillment of them. For example a client may show indications of a deep need for everyone to agree with him in everything, or for everyone to “understand” him. This constitutes the next stage of clarification.

Although this has been described as distinct from habitual attitudes for purposes of discussion, in actual practice these characteristics of the client will probably be clarified as they emerge without any real distinction. But a person’s emotional needs are often deeply imbedded in his personality, well below the level of his awareness, and they may need more patience and skill from the counselor if they are to be helped into awareness. The counselor’s own recognized emotional needs may also have a significant influence, often a destructive one, on the counseling process, and it is therefore necessary to give some special consideration to this set of factors in the client’s attitudes and conduct.

For example in further interviews with Frank it may appear that he feels quite strongly that he should have no responsibility for any kind of “domestic” responsibility, and as the counselor discusses this attitude further with him he may show some indications of a deep emotional need for “mothering,” and the counselor may help to clarify this by some such comment as, “You’ve felt a bit disillusioned lately at Betty’s neglect of your comfort?” Then the interview might proceed as follows:

F. Yes, she used to be quite different when we were first married, she used to anticipate most of my needs, but now I come nowhere, I just earn the money.

c. And you don’t feel so happy about it?

F. Well, I had hoped for a bit more thoughtfulness, even though I know she has a lot more on her plate than she had in the early days. I come home tired after a trying day at the office, and I just want to relax and be myself and be fussed over a bit. But I’m fussed over the wrong way, I’m expected to turn to and mend the cupboard door, and keep the kids occupied while Betty gets the table laid.

c. You have the feeling that you’re entitled to a bit more consideration after all the hard work you’ve done at the office. It would help if Betty just let you sit down and relax, and if she brought you something to drink before dinner?

F. Yes, that’s exactly what I mean; she used to do that when we were first married, just as my mother used to do it before that. She says now she just hasn’t got time with the kids having to be fixed up for bed and with everything else, but I can’t see why I should be the one to be left out. As I said, I come nowhere, I just earn the money!

It appears that Frank has little if any insight as yet into his need for continued “mothering,” and the counselor might fail to bring him to a more objective view by a direct approach in such a situation. He will probably do better by taking the cue from Frank and going still further back to Frank’s relationships in his earlier life, particularly with his mother and father. As before this next “stage” in the clarification is only distinguished from the earlier ones for the purposes of discussion, and in actual practice there need generally be no definite line of cleavage, especially when the client’s remarks provide any good opening for deeper exploration. So in this case the interview would move straight on to an exploration of possible reasons for Frank’s emotional need for “mothering,” so that he might have the opportunity of gaining insight into the situation.

Tags: Counseling