The client’s “Role Perceptions” and “Role Expectations” in marriage

Betty, for example may have expressed some feelings which suggest that she sees her “wifely” role as that of a domestic dictator, strictly administering the whole of the domestic organization with rigid efficiency, as Mary did in the first case described in this book. She may also have conveyed her “role expectatons” regarding husbands, that Frank should be a very efficient and enthusiastic “handyman,” in which view she pestered him continually to do what he had never had any talent or enthusiasm for doing and preferred to pay a tradesman to do. Frank, on the other hand, may have expressed feelings which suggest that he sees the husband’s role in marriage as in a very real sense “the head of the house” who must never descend to any kind of “domestic activity,” such as drying the dishes or helping with looking after the children.

If the counselor is on the lookout for the nature of these role perceptions and expectations, then, when the main unburdening of feeling has been completed, he may help the clients to clarify their attitudes by such a questioning comment as (to Betty), “You feel that Frank ought to fit in completely with what you decide in running the home?” or “You look on the minor repairs as Frank’s job?” With Frank, a possible comment may be something like, “You feel the husband should have no responsibility for helping in the domestic duties?” Frank and Betty are then able to respond either affirmatively, “Yes, that’s how I feel about it,” or to correct the counselor’s comment, “Well, not quite to that extent, but I do think-.”

In this way the role perceptions and expectations of each partner are brought to light and made quite definite, and the “role frustrations” also become clear. Later when there is a joint interview, it may be possible to put the feelings of each of them about roles in marriage alongside one another for comparison in a manner which would previously have been impossible for them to have managed on their own owing to the “intrusion” of intense emotional reactions. This clarification of role perceptions may enable them to come to some measure of mutual compromise at this level, which may be satisfactory to them when their troubles are not very deep or involved. Frank may feel “If that’s all that’s holding us up I could easily give Betty a bit more help in the domestic jobs.” And Betty might say, “If Frank feels the organization so much I think I could relax a bit in the interests of peace and harmony.”

The chief risk of such an agreement is that it may leave some very powerful underground influences untouched, and these may well be stirred up by some unintentional “hurt” or “neglect,” and the subsequent disillusionment, after the high hopes, may bring sufficient despair to break up the partnership. In some cases there is what is often called a “honeymoon reaction,” “a sense of enormous relief and an uprush of loving feelings” (”Social Casework in Marital Problems,” Tavistock Publications, Ltd., London, 1955, pp 62, 63). This may provide a most useful period of relief from bitter conflict and enable some mutual confidence to be restored, but it may also be used by one or both clients to evade the difficult and possibly painful process of exploring deeper sources of conflict. It is important for the counselor to be aware of this, and to attempt to keep sufficient contact and rapport with the partners, so that they, or a least one of them, may feel able to carry on with the counseling.

In many cases, however these conflicting role perceptions and expectations will not be reconcilable in this way, because they depend on deeper and largely hidden or “unconscious” attitudes, which are so much imbedded into the structure of the clients’ personalities that they are accepted uncritically as “reasonable.” These hidden factors can generally become revealed through the reactions of each client to the many kinds of interaction described in the interviews if the counselor can make suitable and acceptable “clarifying questioning comments,” and this further clarification will generally constitute the next stage in the counseling process.

Tags: Counseling