The impact of the goal in marriage counseling

What goal is being aimed at in marriage counseling? This question is worthy of some consideration because marriage is not a fixed or uniform kind of relationship. There are many kinds of successful marriages, and any counselor who, consciously or unconsciously, seeks to make his own concept of marriage the goal of his counseling will often find himself in difficulties. The very essence of counseling is that the clients are helped to work toward the kind of marital relationship that they find mutually satisfactory, which may be quite different from what the counselor would regard as a good marital relationship.

In emphasizing this it must also be recalled that certain kinds of marital relationship are less stable or more vulnerable than others, and it may be appropriate for the counselor to help any couple to some realization of the possible dangers, so that they can recognize any early indications of trouble and seek any necessary help. A case in point has already been suggested, the maternally minded girl giving a lot of “mothering” to an already “over-mothered” husband, and each of them finding the relationship quite satisfactory. This is of course a very vulnerable kind of marriage if any children are expected in the future, and it would help the partners to prepare for the readjustment if they have some idea of the dangers.

With this kind of reservation it is important for the counselor to keep in his mind the essential fact that his function is to help his clients to better insight into their own and their partners’ attitudes and actions so that they can work out with each other the kind of marital relationship that they find most mutually acceptable.

Some idea of the different kinds of successful marriage can be obtained by thinking of them from the points of view of certain specific categories. For example using domination as a criterion we can see many apparently successful marriages in which the husband is the dominant partner, others in which the wife is dominant, and all grades between the two with varying degrees of domination and cooperation in the different areas of the lives of the partners. As long as the relationship is mutually acceptable these different patterns of marriage can be quite successful.

Another category, which may well overlap with the first, is the manner in which the partners attempt to settle their main differences. Here again we have all variations between the quiet peaceful home and that in which the partners seem to revel in brawls and quarrels, even to the point of shouting and screaming at each other, and yet seem to get on very well together and to form a strongly united front in the face of any external threat or difficulty. Another group of partners find that they can discuss many of their differences openly, but that some of them are “walled off” and kept out of the way in order to preserve peace. This may be vulnerable, but many couples manage to get on well in this way.

A third category, again overlapping with the others, is what may be called the pivot on which the partnership revolves. There are marriages which are mainly governed by the welfare of the children, and the parents seem to delight in submerging themselves for their children’s benefit. At the other end of this scale there are marriages in which the children are largely left to look after their own welfare, and the partners put their own affairs first, or possibly they even regard some community activities as of sufficient importance to override everything else. Again any of these marriages can be successful as long as the policy is one of mutual acceptance.

A fourth category is that of general administration, and here there are great variations between the couples who do most things together and have almost all their interests in common and those at the other end of the scale who largely delight in going their separate ways and find great interest in each other’s activities. The necessary common interest in such cases is in each other’s separate doings, and as long as they agree in this way of administering their partnership it can work well. A still less definite kind of structure which can work very well within its limitations is the “de facto” partnership, in which for some unalterable reason the partners are unable to go through the official form of marriage but find a mutual delight and mutual benefit in the unconventional partnership.

A final category to be mentioned here is that of the varying roles in marriage, from the conventional one of a husband as breadwinner and his wife looking after the home and family, through various kinds of situation in which husband and wife both work and the children are managed largely by a grandmother or a housekeeper, to the occasional situation in which the conventional roles are completely reversed. In this latter case the husband may, for example, have been crippled by poliomyelitis or some other ailment or injury, and may keep an eye on the domestic scene while his wife acts as the breadwinner. Here again each of these patterns can work very well if they are accepted by mutual consent.

There are probably many other categories by which differing patterns of successful marriage can be assessed, even to an occasionally successful “triangular situation.” But enough has been suggested to make it clear that marriage is largely what the partners want it to be, and not a rigid or constant pattern imposed by anyone else, especially not by any good counselor.

Keywords: Marriage, Marriage Counseling, Marital Relationship, Marital Disorder, Marital Conflict