The initial interview with the second partner

If the second partner doesn’t come spontaneously it is generally wise for the counselor, with the first partner’s permission, to write to him in some such terms as previously described.

“Dear Mr. , Your wife has been to see me for help in the
marital situation that has arisen between you. I think I could be of more help if I could have the opportunity of hearing how you feel about it. If you can manage to come for a talk I would be glad if you would make an appointment at a mutually suitable time. Yours faithfully, .” To ask or allow the first partner to invite him may fail because he may say “no” on principle because of the conflict with his wife. To call him on the telephone would be asking him to make an immediate decision, which is not fair, and might block his acceptance. He can carry a letter around in his pocket for some days, and think it over carefully before deciding, and his decision is then more in line with his real feelings.

The actual initial interview with the second partner will often begin more cautiously than that with the first as we have seen but with adept sensitive handling the rapport will generally come quite quickly.

This interview might begin with a simple understanding kind of comment after the formal greeting, such as, “I’m glad you were able to come, I imagine you’ve had your share of worry in all this.” In the case of Betty and Frank already mentioned, the interview with Frank might then open up in some such manner as this:

F. Yes, it hasn’t been very pleasant, we seem to get more more and more in each other’s hair, and I don’t seem to be able to make the grade in Betty’s expectations.
c. Would you like to tell me how you feel about the whole business; where you think the conflicts seem to be between you?
F. I suppose the main conflict comes because I constantly feel that Betty is trying to mold me into a kind of pattern that isn’t me at all and couldn’t be me. I’m supposed to be the good handyman and the good domestic help when required, and when I don’t fit in with these quite rigid expectations there’s a row. Not a momentary row either, it goes on sometimes for days, and if I ask her to stop picking at me she just gets more and more persistent with a kind of determination to wear me down. All I can do is to walk out and stay out for a time, I’ve even walked round the street for hours when there’s nothing else I’d feel able to do. Betty little realizes what an effort it sometimes takes for me to come home, knowing that the strife is going to be on, and wondering whether I’ll be able to control myself and avoid violence. I’ve managed it mostly so far, except for an unfortunate accident with her mother when she started to pick at me, but I can’t feel sure that I’ll always be able to restrain myself.
c. You feel pretty fed up with the pressure on your personality, and you can’t get Betty to realize that?
F. If she only knew, that sort of thing only makes me all the more determined to hang on to the little bit of freedom I seem to be able to preserve. There are even times when I can’t resist the urge to do things that upset her just to prove to myself as well as to her that I’m not going to be molded to her pattern. And that only seems to make her even more determined to organize me. Now she’s getting more and more distant and even sulking at times, as if I’m a sort of intruder in the house. When I try to make any loving approach as likely as not she’ll just push me away as if she hated the ground I walked on. And yet I know that’s not really how she feels, she used to be the most demonstrative soul. I’ve thought about it from every possible angle, and I can only think she’s going through a lot of strife inside herself. I know I’ve handled things pretty badly at times and at other times I’ve been so troubled that I’ve forgotten things I should have remembered. Do you think there’s any chance that things between us can be straightened out, I’ve got pretty despairing about the whole business.
c. It looks to you as if Betty is struggling a bit too, and you’re both ready to make a real effort to find a better understanding. Do you feel that there must be some real hope that two sensible adults who both want to do so will be able, with a bit of help, to find the way to better understanding and cooperation?
F. Yes, I feel much more hopeful than I did, I think this has only just come in time. I’m ready to give it all I’ve got, and if we can’t work out something this time I’m afraid it’s all up.
c. This is it. You’re ready to get right down into the whole thing?
F. Yes, it looks as if we’ve got to go deeper than we’ve so far been able to do if we’re to get anywhere, and I think we’re both ready for a shot at that. If we could know why we react to each other in such stupid ways, and stir up more conflict when we want to improve the feeling between us, I think it would help tremendously. But it seems a bit too difficult so far. I don’t feel very expert at what you call “getting right down into the whole thing,” and I’ll probably need some help in understanding the kind of thing you want. But I feel better for this discussion, I’m even beginning to feel interested in how this sort of thing works. I’m afraid I was a bit vague about what I was letting myself in for. After Betty had had an open go with you, and probably told you some hair raising things about me, I wondered what you’d think about me.
c. You’d thought I might do a bit of judging?
F. Well . . . yes, that’s what everybody else she’s talked to seems to have done, without much interest into any of my feelings about the sorry business. I’ve kept things pretty much to myself, I haven’t felt that it would do any good to go talking and telling tales on Betty to anyone, even to my mother. It seems a bit disloyal to me. I didn’t even intend to tell you much about her, but somehow it came out and I’m glad I’ve been able to let off some steam. I suppose I’ll have to look at some of my own less pleasant qualities too, and I think I can make a genuine attempt to do that.

It looks as if Frank is taking a little time to get down to the job and taking some temporary refuge in generalities, possibly helped to this by the counselor’s response to his question about whether there’s any chance that things can be straightened out. But the counselor has let him take his time to come round, and the rapport seems good at this point.

What has been described so far is obviously a brief summary of the main threads in the initial interview with Betty and the first part of the initial interview with Frank. Many of the invariable deviations from the main threads have been left out for purposes of clarity and length. But this account may illustrate something of the kind of attitude and method of handling the initial interviews in the attempt to achieve good rapport with each partner, and to prepare the way for some deeper exploration with them. It also illustrates some natural feelings of the second partner in coming for counseling and the relief that comes from the counselor’s acceptance of them, which may open the way, as with Frank, for the greater unburdening of feeling than he had previously felt able to do. The acceptance of these feelings helps to lay the foundation for a healthy rapport. Without this rapport, it might well be impossible for many men to risk baring their souls concerning matters about which they feel rather uncomfortable and even ashamed, but which have to be worked through if partners are to be freed for spontaneous relationships with each other.

Tags: Counseling