The Parental Relationship in marriage

The parental relationship in this part of the discussion means the particular part of the husband-wife relationship which is concerned with their mutual function as parents. Many areas of deep conflict may come up in counseling which involve this aspect of marriage. Those which will be dealt with may be considered in chronological order.

The first that may arise is premarital pregnancy, with some very deep emotional consequences in each partner. It may be that they decide to marry largely because of the heavy pressure of the respective families, especially that of the girl. In such cases there is great danger of resentment on either side, and such matters are all too often “thrown up” at one or other partner when hostilities arise from any cause. The memory of the premarital intercourse may generate or increase deep suspicions by either husband or wife of the fidelity of the other in later years. Such dangers are lessened when the two young people marry by free mutual consent with the full knowledge that there is another good alternative, the offering of the baby for adoption, even though it may be an agonizing decision for the mother.

In some cases, when a pregnant girl is persuaded or coerced to the participation in an illegal abortion, there are profound effects on her deepest emotions, some of which may not show themselves for many years. When such cases come to the counselor before marriage and he is faced with the decision of the girl to seek such an abortion, it is his duty to make sure at least that she realizes some of the less obvious consequences of what she is considering. It may also be necessary for the counselor to have some discussion with other participants in the whole matter, such as the father of the child and the parents of the two lovers. In this way it may be possible for the impulsive urges of fear and guilt-stricken people to be controlled, and for some rational and honest consideration of the whole situation to be encouraged.

The girl who either hands her baby over for adoption or has it removed by abortion will often be in great need of help, and in many cases the counselor can offer good cooperation to the girl’s doctor who may also be offering some help. In this way she may be able to unburden her feelings more fully and come to more radical adjustment, often with the further help of a wise minister. There will then be less danger of permanent wounds to her personality which might otherwise do damage to future marital relationships and future parenthood. Next, in point of time may come an unexpectedly early pregnancy and parenthood, possibly with quite serious consequences from the point of view of finance and housing. Some good help here may sometimes be given by a social worker, and it often happens that with good counseling ways can be found to help such young people through the difficult adjustment to the unexpected early responsibility of parenthood.

Too many children for the young couple’s resources of money, housing and energy may also bring some marital disorder, especially when there are difficulties in the way of effective family planning, either from ignorance or stupidity, or from conscientious objections. In the same way a succession of children coming too soon after one another may have some adverse effects on the partnership as well as on the wife’s health. Good counseling in such matters, with possible referral for special help, may bring better conditions and an improvement in the relationship.

Tags: Counseling